Classic cars forum & vehicle restoration.

[Uncle Joe]

I thought that it was time we had a joke topic on the forum. To start things off:

A wife goes to her husband. "The cars broken down," she says " it has water in the carburettor."
The husband replies "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

"I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."

"You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

UJ

[Job-Rated]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about? "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about internal combustion engines?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss internal combustion engines when you don't know sh!t?"

[Brian M]

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through." Bill's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." Bill's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today you must park ..."
Then the power goes out. Bill's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bill says ...







"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Brian M]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?








When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[pigtin]

Another story involving a chicken, hope I remember it correctly:
A man's car starts to make terminal noises and clatters to a stop outside a farm, man goes into the farmhouse to ask for help and farmer offers to provide something to tow him home.
The 'something' turns out to be a 10ft tall chicken.. A rope is attached and the chicken lopes off down the motorway gathering speed rapidly. After reaching 70mph the driver gets worried and applies the brakes slightly.
The rope breaks and the chicken disappears into the distance leaving the car stranded on the hard shoulder. A little later a police patrol car draws up behind him and the officer asks him 'what's the problem'? the driver replies...........









' My big ens gone'!!!!

[Uncle Joe]

A penguin is driving through the Arizona desert in the middle of August, and his car breaks down. He is able to limp it into a local service station to have it checked out.
The repairman says it will take about an hour to look over the car, so the penguin decides to take a walk. While walking down the street, he is hot. He is very very hot! He decides to get himself an ice cream cone. So he goes to the ice cream store, and gets the biggest cone that they have there. Holding it in his little flippers, he walks back to the service station. But since it is so hot, it is melting all over him. So when he arrives at the station, he is covered in ice cream...his little flippers, beak, face, everything!

The repairman slides out from under the penguin's car and says "Looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin says "oh, no, no, this is just ice cream"!

UJ

[erindoors]

The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw a woman drive past him, busily knitting.

Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!"

"No" she replied, "they're socks!"




Erindoors

[Rick]

RJ
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[Brian M]

I find this very amusing.

Don't have your volume turned up too high, and listen carefully after 1 min.

http://smoweb.co.uk/uploads/videos/misc/RenaultF1Enginewarmup.wmv

The guy top left is controlling it and is an English guy working for Renault!

[alfanut]

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-fill-a-windscreen-washer-tank

Geoff

[pigtin]

Well; that is just amazing. Proves that you are never too old to learn new tricks. It concerns me slightly that persons who need instructions that detailed may be driving on the same road as me!!!
Seriously though: A woman I knew some years ago actually put the antifreeze in with the petrol and also complained about how difficult it was to top up the oil after the dipstick had been removed, she thought the manufacturers should provide a bigger filler holes!!!
This a true story, only the names have been omitted to protect the incompetent.

[Scotty]

Scotsman staying at a B&B gets up in the morning for breakfast - at the end the landlady brings some toast and one of those tiny single portions of honey, to which the Scotsman comments -

"I see you keep a bee!"



EDIT - I've just realised this was supposed to be a motoring related joke - the Scotsman was a travelling salesman selling vehicle accessories!

[buzzy bee]

Hi

Ha, some good jokes coming now!

I like the tune played on the car revs! I will show someone I know that, he will love it!

Cheers

Dave

[old gto]

Looking for extra cash doing odd jobs, the blonde struck a deal with a man, to paint his porch for $100.00
He told her, "There should be some paint and brushes in the garage", so off toward the back of the house she went.
After a couple hours, she knocks on his back door, stating she`s done with the job. In fact, there was extra paint left, so she gave it two coats.
The man pays her, and as she`s walking away, she stops, turns, and says,
"By the way....that ISN`T a porch....it`s a LEXUS!"

[old gto]

Another blonde, barely makes it to the service station with her car spitting & sputtering. She tells the man how poorly the car has been running, and could he fix it? He raises the lid, and in minutes, has the car purring like a kitten.
"What was wrong, and how did you fix it?" she asked him.
"Just crap in the carburator lady, it will be alright".
Perplexed, she asks, "How often do I have to do THAT?"