Classic cars forum & vehicle restoration.

[47p2]

A MODERN PARABLE . .

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, The End.

Here's something else to think about:
Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
_________________
ROVER
One of Britain's Fine Cars

[pigtin]

Not quite motoring humour, but I'm into boating as well.


RULE BRITANNIA"

Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation,
religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England'
past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the
crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.
They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't
want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we
shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save
your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."

Hello sailor !
_________________
Due to the onset of my mid eighties I'm no longer sprightly and rarely seen in my Austin special. I have written a book though. https://amzn.eu/d/7rwRRqL

[Keith D]

Very good Pigtin!

It is certainly humorous, but unfortunately there is far too much truth in that post, in this politically correct age!

Keith

[pigtin]

Why men should NOT write advice columns...


Dear Terry,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila






______________________________________


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Terry
_________________
Due to the onset of my mid eighties I'm no longer sprightly and rarely seen in my Austin special. I have written a book though. https://amzn.eu/d/7rwRRqL

[pigtin]

http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html
_________________
Due to the onset of my mid eighties I'm no longer sprightly and rarely seen in my Austin special. I have written a book though. https://amzn.eu/d/7rwRRqL

[47p2]

Excellent pigtin
_________________
ROVER
One of Britain's Fine Cars

[47p2]

A man was speeding down the road, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"
_________________
ROVER
One of Britain's Fine Cars

[gillberry]

Pigtin that was brilliant worst thing is looked at the pics 1st and thought yeh remember them then read and thought whoa , very very good .

[Job-Rated]

An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are co-joined twins, Bobby & Dave.
Instead of making an issue over the light out situation, he begins to engage in some friendly chat.
Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?
Dave: Yes, that's right sir. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years.
Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Britain?
Dave: Nah, it nearly always pisses down when we come here. Your weather's no better than ours, in't that right Bobby?
Bobby: Yeah.
Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy.
Dave: Nah, your food's boggin', everything stinks of garlic. We've brought a box full of pies and pasties to avoid eating your crap.
Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely.
Dave: Your drink's disgusting, we've had to bring a carry out. In't that right Bobby?
Bobby: Yeah.
Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe.
Dave: Your kiddin' aren't you? The burds here are dogs, I wouldn't touch them with yours.
Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad?
Dave: It's the only chance our Bobby gets to drive! In't that right Bobby?
_________________
Don't run your fingers over my truck & I won't run my truck over your fingers!


http://www.loosechange-band.co.uk/

[Rick]

[Bugly]

[quote="Job-Rated"] An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with a rear light out. quote]

Have to ask Greeney if Gendarmes are clever enough to spot an approaching car with a rear light out!

Cheers - Bugly

[pigtin]

Well spotted, your not a proofreader by any chance?

Er, on second thoughts, it was approaching the Champs E. Not the policeman
_________________
Due to the onset of my mid eighties I'm no longer sprightly and rarely seen in my Austin special. I have written a book though. https://amzn.eu/d/7rwRRqL

[Job-Rated]

Had some good news today.

I managed to get £150 knocked off my car insurance. I simply put 'paedophile' as my occupation.

Apparently, driving slowly & watching out for children is just what they're looking for!
_________________
Don't run your fingers over my truck & I won't run my truck over your fingers!


http://www.loosechange-band.co.uk/

[Job-Rated]

Just got the truck back from the garage. My mechanic told me he couldn't repair my brakes, so he's made the horn louder....
_________________
Don't run your fingers over my truck & I won't run my truck over your fingers!


http://www.loosechange-band.co.uk/

[pigtin]

Nothing like a relaxing drive.

http://s357.photobucket.com/albums/oo19/mush_beat/?action=view&current=YouTube-scary.flv
_________________
Due to the onset of my mid eighties I'm no longer sprightly and rarely seen in my Austin special. I have written a book though. https://amzn.eu/d/7rwRRqL