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buzzy bee



Joined: 23 Nov 2007
Posts: 3385
Location: South Cheshire

PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:23 am    Post subject: Jokes Reply with quote

Hi

just found this video, and can hardly breathe now, it is right up my sense of humour!

Gosh my throat is killing!

Cheers

Dave Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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buzzy bee



Joined: 23 Nov 2007
Posts: 3385
Location: South Cheshire

PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

woops the link:- http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=mArGzsNglCU Laughing
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buzzy bee



Joined: 23 Nov 2007
Posts: 3385
Location: South Cheshire

PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

and never anoy your granny:- http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZCoIege8oM&feature=related
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Rick
Site Admin


Joined: 27 Apr 2005
Posts: 21789
Location: UK

PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

buzzy bee wrote:
and never anoy your granny:- http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZCoIege8oM&feature=related


serves him right Laughing

R
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Rick (OCC Admin)
Various 1920s-1960s - Austin, Morris, Commer, Dodge etc.
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ukdave2002



Joined: 23 Nov 2007
Posts: 3669
Location: South Cheshire

PostPosted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church, but the preacher says "Get out of here, you are a disgrace; you call yourself the ‘God particle' when there is only one true God!" The Higgs Boson replies "Well if I am not here, how can you have mass?"

Made me laugh Very Happy Shocked Very Happy

Dave
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JohnDale



Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 787
Location: Kelvin Valley,Scotland

PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Like it Dave,cheers,JD.
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1958 Ford Zephyr Mk2 Convertible
1976 Ford Granada Ghia.
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peppiB



Joined: 30 Jun 2008
Posts: 686
Location: Newcastle upon Tyne

PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your Yearly Dementia Test

(only 4 questions)




Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important
to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind, and begin.


#1. What do you put in a toaster?
















Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' just give up now, and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself!

If you said, bread, go to Question #2.



# 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?


















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is
already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate
literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water,' proceed to
Question #3.







# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a
pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!!!



But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.






# 4. Do not use a calculator for this:

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus, and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off, and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off, and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off, and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.


Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?




















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!!!




Don't you remember your own age?!? It was YOU, driving the bus!!!




If you pass this along to your friends, pray that they do better than you.

P.S.: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!!












During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes...........just stick out your tongue!"
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Peter_L



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 2614
Location: New Brunswick. Canada.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 17, 2014 4:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do gangsters use to hunt sheep ?







Shawn off shotguns.
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peppiB



Joined: 30 Jun 2008
Posts: 686
Location: Newcastle upon Tyne

PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2015 10:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just had to smile at this


FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
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Da Tow'd



Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Posts: 346
Location: Bella Coma British Columbia Canada

PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2016 3:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa
found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using
one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive".

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He
called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
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MikeEdwards



Joined: 25 May 2011
Posts: 2054
Location: South Cheshire

PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2016 11:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A plane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I'm Dwayne Johnson, The Rock, actor and superstar. Millions of fans adore me and watch my movies and they need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, "I am President-elect and I am the smartest idiot in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have many more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you, America's smartest Idiot took my schoolbag"
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Gareth_80



Joined: 14 Oct 2016
Posts: 10

PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2016 3:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My wife had her driver's test the other day.
She got 8 out of 10.

The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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Da Tow'd



Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Posts: 346
Location: Bella Coma British Columbia Canada

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2017 5:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A group of Terrorists burst into the conference room at the
Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its
Annual Convention.
More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
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Da Tow'd



Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Posts: 346
Location: Bella Coma British Columbia Canada

PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2020 11:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This guy is driving down the highway in his corvette and sees a hitchhiker with a big dog. So he stops and tells the guy he would give him a ride, but there's not room for the dog. The hitchhiker says "I can tie his leash on the back bumper."

The corvette driver says "that dog can't keep up." The hitchhiker says "oh yeah, he's pretty fast." So he ties the dog on the back bumper and they get in and take off. The driver gets up to 20 mph, looks in the mirror and the dog is trotting along behind. He kicks it up to 50, looks in the mirror and the dog is just loping along .

So he kicks it up to 80, looks in the mirror and the dog is running all out. He thinks Damn, I gotta take another look at this dog. So he slams on the brakes and they get out and walk to the back of the vette. The dog is just standing there.
The driver says "that's the fastest dog I've ever seen. But what's that red ring around his neck?"

The hitchhiker says "that's his a$$hole, he's not used to stopping that fast."
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Penman



Joined: 23 Nov 2007
Posts: 4335
Location: Lancashire

PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2020 8:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi
If you want to save money next Christmas NOW is the time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make through the Covid crisis.
_________________
Bristols should always come in pairs.

Any 2 from:-
Straight 6
V8 V10
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