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Peter_L



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 2680
Location: New Brunswick. Canada.

PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2020 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Penman wrote:
Hi
If you want to save money next Christmas NOW is the time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make through the Covid crisis.


Oh No !! Please tell me you're joking. Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad
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Da Tow'd



Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Posts: 349
Location: Bella Coma British Columbia Canada

PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2021 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

From Rags to Riches
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

"What's your name? " asked the executive. John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department; “Do we have a client named John H Smith?”; "Certainly”, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story.
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
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roverdriver



Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 1210
Location: 100 miles from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

PostPosted: Thu May 27, 2021 8:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Brilliant!!
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Dane- roverdriver but not a Viking.
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peter scott



Joined: 18 Dec 2007
Posts: 7113
Location: Edinburgh

PostPosted: Thu May 27, 2021 12:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

roverdriver wrote:
Brilliant!!


+1 Very Happy
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http://www.nostalgiatech.co.uk
1939 SS Jaguar 2 1/2 litre saloon
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Ray White



Joined: 02 Dec 2014
Posts: 6286
Location: Derby

PostPosted: Thu May 27, 2021 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Many a true word spoken in jest!
Razz
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MikeEdwards



Joined: 25 May 2011
Posts: 2464
Location: South Cheshire

PostPosted: Sun Jul 04, 2021 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Texas farmer goes on holiday to England. He is talking to an English farmer.
"How long would it take to drive around your farm?"
"Well, probably an hour or so"
"An hour? It would take me 12 hours back home. What do y'all think about that?"
"Yeah, I had a car like that once."
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1976 Vauxhall HP Firenza, 1976 Vauxhall Sportshatch (x2), 1986 Audi coupe quattro, 2000 Audi TT
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Peter_L



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 2680
Location: New Brunswick. Canada.

PostPosted: Sun Aug 15, 2021 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

O'Rielley went to the car auction and bought an E-Type. On the way home he decided to see what the Jag could do. He knew of a long straight country road, so there he was, 70 - 80 - 100 -110... ... when out of the field came Paddy and Shamus with their horse and cart. O'Reilley hit the brakes and with brilliant skill he put the Jag into a slide and managed to steer the Jag through the gateway that Paddy and Shamus had just exited. Alas. the field was wet, the Jag did several pirouettes, hit a grass bank, flew 50ft into the air, hit a tree and exploded.............

Paddy turned to Shamus and said, I think we should thank God that he guided us out of danger because that idiot would have killed both of us....
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V8 Nutter



Joined: 27 Aug 2012
Posts: 587

PostPosted: Mon Aug 23, 2021 11:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I borrowed my mates Audi the other day. The police pulled me over, slapped the hand cuffs on me and bundled me into the back of the police car. They said, "we have reason to believe you have stolen that car". I said no it's my mates, I've borrowed it. Phone him he'll confirm that". They did that and as they let me go I asked "Why did you pull me over?" The reply came, "We've followed you round six corners and you gave a signal every time. We knew you couldn't be an Audi driver"
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52classic



Joined: 02 Oct 2008
Posts: 493
Location: Cardiff.

PostPosted: Sat Dec 25, 2021 2:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't forget to wear your mask, lads. My friend says it saved his life...

He was in the pub with his girlfriend and his wife walked in.... She didn't recognise him.
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