Classic cars forum & vehicle restoration.

JohnDale · Posted: Sat May 23, 2009 10:51 am Post subject: Humour

URGENT!!! E-Mail Warning
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat
tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.
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1958 Ford Zephyr Mk2 Convertible
1976 Ford Granada Ghia.

peter scott · Joined: 18 Dec 2007 Posts: 7219 Location: Edinburgh

Just a load of of porkies then. Laughing

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https://www.nostalgiatech.co.uk
1939 SS Jaguar 2 1/2 litre saloon

peppiB · Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:18 am Post subject:

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry-on bag. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready,' the customs officer said.

The elderly gentleman replied, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'

'Impossible! The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France !'

The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained;
'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any f*****g Frenchmen to show it to.'

clan chieftain · Joined: 05 Apr 2008 Posts: 2041 Location: Motherwell

2 illegal immigrants are stopped for speeding with their big van on the motorway. One policeman advised the driver that the limit was 70. The passenger looked round into the back of the van and said " right 5 of you will have to get out " Laughing

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The Clan Chieftain

Peter_L · Posted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 3:30 pm Post subject:

A business woman was pulled over on US I90 after reaching speeds of close to 140mph.

The patrolman said to her.. "Have you any idea just how fast you were going madam"

to which she replied... "obviously not fast enough or we would not be having this conversation"

Job-Rated · Joined: 23 Nov 2007 Posts: 1010 Location: Sugarbeet County

A copper stops a man for speeding & asks him why he was going so fast.
The guy says: "I'm looking for a sh*thouse!"
The copper replies:
"Well, sonny, you've found one. Get your documents out!"
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Don't run your fingers over my truck & I won't run my truck over your fingers!

http://www.loosechange-band.co.uk/

Job-Rated · Joined: 23 Nov 2007 Posts: 1010 Location: Sugarbeet County

Michael Jackson's girlfriend is said to be devastated at his sudden death.

She said: "First, my parents leave me in Portugal and now this!"
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Don't run your fingers over my truck & I won't run my truck over your fingers!

http://www.loosechange-band.co.uk/

Jason · Joined: 12 Nov 2008 Posts: 623 Location: Todmorden, Lancs.

michael jackson died from a heart attack after he found out the '£2000 for a 10 year old' was a car scrappage scheme
Rolling Eyes

jason
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"people with money buy a Rolls Royce, people with taste buy an Alvis".

pigtin · Joined: 23 Nov 2007 Posts: 1879 Location: Herne Bay

Thought after many years I'd dig out a humour thread. I've just seen a motor-related joke that amused me; hope it's not too risque:

•A German dwarf came to London and went to a prostitute. She thought he'll never manage this it'll be easy money. Just before he started he put a big spring on each elbow and both knees and pleasured her for 4 hours non-stop. She asked him breathlessly "how did you manage that"? he said " it's my foursprung dwarftechnique"
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Due to the onset of my mid eighties I'm no longer sprightly and rarely seen in my Austin special. I have written a book though. https://amzn.eu/d/7rwRRqL

Bitumen Boy · Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 1:45 am Post subject:

Getting back to a transport theme...

Four people on a crowded train - an Englishman, a Frenchman, a pretty young blonde and an old woman. The train goes into a tunnel and there's the sound of a slap. When it emerges, the Frenchman is rubbing a red mark on his cheek.
The old woman thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she hit him."
The blonde thinks: "I bet that Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but she thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can slap that Frenchman again!"

roverdriver · Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 10:00 am Post subject:

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As
you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the
Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it
past.
I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
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Dane- roverdriver but not a Viking.

roverdriver · Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 10:05 am Post subject:

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
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Dane- roverdriver but not a Viking.

Bitumen Boy · Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 6:03 pm Post subject:

Bitumen Boy · Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 12:09 am Post subject:

It's match day in Cardiff and three rugby fans have got drunk and missed the last train to Carmarthen. They stumble around town for a while, stop off at another couple of pubs and eventually find a taxi.The cabby sees how wasted they are and senses an opportunity to make some easy money, so agrees to take them to Carmarthen but instead drives slowly round the block while he works out how much he can get away with charging them. After a few minutes the cabby pulls up by the rear entrance of the railway station, tells the drunks they've arrived in Carmarthen and tentatively asks for a ridiculous amount of money. The first drunk pays up without demur, the second thanks him for going out of his way but the third slaps him round the back of the head. The cabby decides to play dumb and asks the third drunk what the hell that was for. "You want to watch your speed, you lunatic," slurs the drunk, "you nearly killed us all there on the motorway..."

roverdriver · Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 9:45 am Post subject:

Snow warning:

A government warning on TV said that anyone travelling in icy conditions
should take:

Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves 24 hours supply of food and
drink ...De-Icer 5Kgs of Rock Salt
Torch or lantern with spare batteries

Plus

Reflective Triangles
Tow rope 5 gallon petrol Jerrycan
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads

I looked a complete prat on the bus this morning !!
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Dane- roverdriver but not a Viking.