Classic cars forum & vehicle restoration.

roverdriver · Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 9:36 am Post subject:

Peter- no need to apologise. Nearly all jokes are told and retold with variants. Sometimes each variant has its own appeal.
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Dane- roverdriver but not a Viking.

Bitumen Boy · Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 3:55 pm Post subject:

I was talking to my mate on the phone the other night. He was telling me that since the snow started, his wife's done nothing but look through the window. "Y'know," he said, "if it gets any worse, I'm going to have to let her in!"

Roger-hatchy · Joined: 07 Dec 2007 Posts: 2135 Location: Tiptree, Essex

At St. Peter's Catholic Church they have weekly husbands' Marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,
'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded,
'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, "
I gonna go pick her up."

peter scott · Joined: 18 Dec 2007 Posts: 7219 Location: Edinburgh

Owner: "My parrot keeps swearing and I don't know how to stop him."
Friend: "Next time he swears just put him in the fridge for 5 minutes. That'll sort him out!"

Parrot swears yet again.
Owner: "Are you going to behave?"
Parrot: "Naaaw!"
Owner: "Right, your going in the fridge"

After the 5 minutes the owner releases his parrot.
Owner: "Well, are you going to stop swearing now?"
Parrot: "Yes, but tell me, what on earth did that chicken do?"
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https://www.nostalgiatech.co.uk
1939 SS Jaguar 2 1/2 litre saloon

IanAl · Joined: 15 Jan 2013 Posts: 60

My Mother in law has come round every year for the past 20 yrs on Christmas day. This year as a special treat we are going to let her in

Bitumen Boy · Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 1:17 am Post subject:

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day enjoying his retirement, watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he's confronted by a little Japanese man, waving a clipboard and yelling "Ahhhhhh! You sign! You sign! Behind him is an enormous truckload of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts yelling even louder, "You sign! You sign! So Nelson says to him "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong address. Sorry I can't help you." and goes back to the telly. The next day there's another knock at the door and it's the same Japanese guy, this time with a truckload of brake pads, waving his clipboard and yelling "Ahhhhhh! You sign! You sign!" "No, no," says Nelson, "you're in the wrong place again. I really don't want this stuff." Nelson closes the door, wondering why these truckloads of car parts keep turning up at his home. Late the following day there's another knock at the door, and thinking it can't be that odd little Japanese man again Nelson opens the door only to see two truckloads of mirrors and oil filters and the same guy waving his clipboard and yelling "You sign! You sign!" Nelson's getting pretty fed up by now of fending off this weird little guy with his truckloads of car parts. "NO," he says, "I don't want them! Don't you understand? Who are you really trying to give this stuff to?" The little Japanese guy finally seems to get the message, looks at Nelson a bit puzzled, and consults his clipboard. "Ahhhhh," he says, "then you not Nissan Maindealer?"

clan chieftain · Joined: 05 Apr 2008 Posts: 2041 Location: Motherwell

To contact the marijuana help line just press the hash key on your phone. Laughing

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The Clan Chieftain

Bitumen Boy · Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 2:25 pm Post subject:

When I saw the doctor this morning he told me I had to watch what I ate. Never taken much interest before, but it's time for a change and so for the first time ever this year, I'm off to see the Grand National Shocked

peter scott · Joined: 18 Dec 2007 Posts: 7219 Location: Edinburgh

I don't understand the fuss. They just need to do a recall and relabeling job. Beef Lasagna -> Horse Lasagna

Peter Twisted Evil

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https://www.nostalgiatech.co.uk
1939 SS Jaguar 2 1/2 litre saloon

Peter_L · Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:31 am Post subject:

peppiB · Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2013 5:07 pm Post subject:

Notices up in supermarket today claiming their meat products contained no added shergar

Took so long to identify horsemeat in lasagne as cheese used was mascapone

Jobcentre woman says to client - 'you are always late, ignore the queues and are rude to everyone.'
'So what' asks the client.
'ever thought of becoming a bus driver?'

Bitumen Boy · Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2013 9:23 pm Post subject:

Bitumen Boy · Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 12:16 am Post subject:

Tom is working in the supermarket one day, stacking boxes of detergent, when along comes the girl he was chatting up in the pub the night before. "What are you doing working here?" the girl asks. "You told me you were a stunt pilot, you rotten liar!" Without missing a beat Tom replies "No, love - I never told you I was a pilot. What I actually said was that I was a member of the Ariel display team!"

52classic · Joined: 02 Oct 2008 Posts: 493 Location: Cardiff.

Oscar's mates are in a quandry.............

Do they stump up for bail or do they spring him?

emmerson · Joined: 30 Sep 2008 Posts: 1268 Location: South East Wales

Doc said I had to lose some weight. He wanted me down to lowest weight I'd been. I said "what, 6lb 12oz?"